ICE BREAKERS
My fellow Americans,
As I write this, half of our country is experiencing what meteorologists cheerfully call “a significant ice event,” which feels like the universe’s way of reminding us that the powers that be don’t care for our plans. But before you despair while staring out your window or doom-scrolling through apocalyptic reports on your phone, let me share some comfort from history: humans have been spectacularly pissed off by ice for centuries, and we’ve gotten remarkably creative about destroying it.
There’s something almost poetic about our eternal war with frozen water. It’s a battle that transcends class, geography, and political affiliation. Look, ice doesn’t discriminate. Whether you’re a Gilded Age industrialist or a modern-day gig worker, ice will bring you down to your knees and humble you with enthusiasm.
Maritime Solutions: Icebreaker ships - These floating battering rams were essentially the monster trucks of the maritime world, designed to ram through ice with the subtlety of a rhinoceros in a china shop. Your snow shovel is the spiritual descendant of these maritime marvels, and you should keep it within reach these days.
Ice saws and chisels - Sailors would methodically cut channels through frozen harbors, armed with patience and the kind of determination that comes from really wanting to get yourself and your crew safely home. Think of it as the original community-based problem solving, except with more frostbite.
The Explosive Era: Dynamite on ice dams - This is fun. By the late 1800s, Americans had discovered dynamite could solve most problems, including inconvenient ice, with entire communities gathering to watch like it was the Super Bowl with more property damage potential. There’s something beautifully unhinged about this approach that feels quintessentially American. We’ve always preferred direct action when bureaucracy moves too slowly to cart ice away.
Heated projectiles - Possibly my favorite. Militia forces would heat iron balls in fires and launch them at ice barriers, combining medieval siege tactics with genuine scientific innovation. I wish I were around to see it. In the past. When people did it. Back when local communities had more agency to solve their own problems. Sometimes you gotta respect tribalism.
Chemical Warfare: Salt and road chemicals - Perhaps the most elegant solution came from understanding chemistry: salt melts ice. So go ahead, get your salty bitch game going. Every time you sprinkle salt on your sidewalk, you’re participating in chemical warfare against winter itself, armed with knowledge passed down through generations of people who refused to be trapped.
Community Efforts: Ice gangs with sledgehammers - Entire towns would organize crews with crowbars and the kind of determined energy that comes from being collectively aggravated by systems that make life harder than it needs to be. I’m getting Viking vibes here.
Steam-powered equipment - The industrial revolution brought heated shovels and steam-powered ice destroyers, proving that sometimes the best response to oppressive conditions is superior engineering and collective innovation. It was humanity’s way of saying, “Why did we invent all this technology if it’s not specifically to make life better for people, instead of worse?”
These historical ice warriors understood something: breaking barriers isn’t just about individual survival, it’s about clearing the path for everyone. Those sailors cutting channels weren’t just freeing their own ships; they were opening routes for entire communities. Those town ice gangs weren’t just clearing their own streets; they were ensuring that neighbors could reach each other, that families could stay connected, that essential movement could continue.
We come from people who looked at each other and said “Yo, help me clear this,” and the other guy said “Bet.” And as future ancestors ourselves, we have a duty to say “ABSOLUTELY NOT” to anything that restricts movement and human dignity, and figure out creative solutions with the same ingenuity our predecessors showed. So we can eventually move about freely in the warmth again, as is our birthright.
Do what you gotta do, folks. Get a grip, don’t slip up, hold onto your center of gravity, wear shoes with good traction, call the gang and see who in your community needs help shoveling.
With full solidarity and a fireplace-presenting electric space heater,
xo,
Saana
PS - It’s not just a southern accent thing; the phrase is actually “hard as hail” and not “hard as hell.” Maybe hell is frozen over because it’s full of so much ice? You decide.